Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Who chose this font
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I laughed at this way too hard.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*seductively corrects your posture*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….