Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?