If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness