Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.