Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”