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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me