My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You Might Also Like
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.