Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
bro what is going on at twitter
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please