Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
@funTweeters
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁