8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.