I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I think we should hear other voices.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.