Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.