I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want