Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”