Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.