oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars