*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Omg 🤣