I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
getting corrected
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Schrödinger’s cookie
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?