Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.