By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.