Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The internet is full of many things
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.