“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
This is painfully accurate 😅
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not