One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: