ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen