My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.