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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Not all heroes wear capes…
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.