[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly