Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.