I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The prophecy is fulfilled
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.