Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
What even happened today?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.