I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Covid like
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate