thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
#merica
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.