My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
a public service announcement
That’s what I call a flat tire
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.