[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Labreador
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.