“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Every work meeting this week
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.