ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
You Might Also Like
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Liquor Store Parking
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I have never heard an armadillo before.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.