I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Barbie gone wild
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following