Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.