*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)