FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.