Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.