since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.