Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Bless you
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best