I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
sigh
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not