When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Europe. Made in Germany.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work