I finally found a reason to live again.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no