Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.