[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
this FaceApp is creepy af
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg