I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?