It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
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Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
when you are just born a rebel
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂